Why I hate camping

Guys, let’s be real. If you’ve ever met me in real life, or read this blog for a while then you know two things about me 1.) I hate exercise and have the beach body to prove it 2.) Camping is just the worst and I will not do it unless forced.

Some people go, “But Katelyn, why do you hate camping?”

Seriously?

Fine.

Here is a small entry on why I hate camping but it really only scratches the surface.

My husband is an endlessly patient, loving person. So when he asks me to do stuff, I feel compelled to acquiesce because he never asks for anything. So when he says something like this:

I am forced to respond like this:

But in my head, I am secretly questioning why he married me in the first place and wondering if I throw myself down a flight of stairs and break my leg, do I still have to go camping?

Then to calm my anxiety I write down a pro and con list of camping to help ease me into the transition. The list normally ends up looking like this:

Then I selfishly pray to God the following prayer:

Then if a miracle hasn’t happened, I spend the night before our trip furiously scrubbing every inch of my body because I know that I won’t feel clean again until I get back. Then I lay in bed and watch the sunrise as I recount all the terrible things that will happen to me during this trip.

On the way up, I try to ignore the sensation of horror that slowly comes over me. But as I step out into the car and into the usually blinding sun, I am affronted with the following image of what I turn into:

So, this is WHY I HATE CAMPING

 

Why I hate camping #1 – The bugs.

Guys. No. Really. What is the benefit here? You hang around wilderness and you’re going to run into bugs. Odds are, these bugs are going to make a cozy nest for themselves in your ear, mouth or nose. Just think about that a second. Then re-evaluate your life if you still love camping.

Why I hate camping #2 – The Exercise.

This is the WORST.  Because you don’t have TV or Wifi, this suddenly makes people assume that we are all wilderness mavens. Except, some of us enjoy nature in the way that sitting in a hammock and reading for hours provides. Not hiking up a mountain so you can swim in a frigid and disease-riddled lake.

Why I hate camping #3 – The food.

If you can’t make it on our crappy little Propane BBQ we aren’t eating it. And guess what you can make that will keep in a cooler and is fairly easy to make? Hot dogs. Hamburgers. Slight variations of the latter. Because there is no way I am going to bother creating a nice meal to eat in nature while bees buzz around my head.

Why I hate camping #4 – Fire Bans

The ONLY good part about camping is the fires, correct? Campfires are what MAKE camping tolerable. Except, I live in Canada. The part that always has raging wildfires.  So we have nothing but fire bans = no campfires. I have not been able to camp anywhere without a fire ban in YEARS.  So it ends with my husband and I huddled around a campfire and me shivering and trying not to cry.

Why I hate camping #5 – Accommodation

Camping involves tents. Tents are gross. They suck in every smell that happens inside including farts and morning breath. Just disgusting. Plus, they ALWAYS track in dirt leaving you feeling disgusting and uncomfortable all night.

Why I hate camping #6 –  Activities

Usually camping means outdoor activities. Like hiking or swimming. I enjoy swimming. In a pool. With Chlorine. Without bugs. Nature hasn’t gotten that memo. So while my husband backsplashes through the murky depths I stare at him confused as to how this is fun.

Why I hate camping #7 –  Facilities

Between #5 and this one, I cannot decide which is worse. If I ever go camping, I insist we go by one with showers and working toilets. This is my must-have. But you know what? At 3AM as you groggily try to crawl over your spouse, unzip the crappy zipper of your tent and stumble your way to the bathroom, it doesn’t seem like that much of a saving grace.

Not only are you crawling around like a moron, praying no one sees you in your pajamas and crazy hair as you make your way to the bathroom, you also have to bring all your toiletries if you’re having a shower, including QUARTERS because some you have to PAY to shower.  And for 50 cents you get a 30 second shower leaving you cold and depressed.

Then as you’re sitting on the cold metal of the toilet, glancing furtively around you because someone has ALWAYS brought their child in and they are ALWAYS trying to peer through the crack in the stall to watch you pee, you notice a giant spider up at the corner of the stall which at any moment can drop down on you in your most vulnerable state.

So that is why I hate camping. And if you cannot appreciate that at least one of these arguments are valid, then you are someone who I would probably never want to vacation with. But my husband would, so there’s that.

This entry comes right on the heels of my vacation around Alberta – it was such a blast! But I apologize that its taken me so long to update! And special shout-out to Neil for giving me the suggestion to do my own personal take on camping! 🙂