If my blog tells you anything aside from me being overly dramatic and a neurotic mess, I am also ridiculously vain. I wasn’t always vain. In fact growing up until I was about 16 I rarely wore makeup and dressed like a miniature mobster (a low ponytail with a navy blue Adidas track suit). I didn’t care what I looked like.
Then at about the age of nineteen I received the worst present of all time. But I didn’t know it was the worst present at the time. In fact, I was thrilled when my Mom handed me the package. Inside was one of those circle light up mirrors where one side is a normal mirror and the other side is a magnified mirror. It looked like this:
And it was my gradual undoing. For you see, this is how the mirror of doom worked.
So of course with that close-up a view of my face I saw everything horrible about it. Huge pores, hair, zits that I hadn’t even known existed… all of it was horrendous. And then all of a sudden my face became this barren waste-land of horror. Everything looked awful from my too-small eyes all the way to my underwhelming lips.
Because there was nothing I could do to change the size of my eyes aside from make-up, my focus became on my lips. Why weren’t they full and pouty?
Luckily (or really, unluckily) in this day and age – everyone is insecure about EVERYTHING and it didn’t take me long to discover something to plump up my lips without surgery!
It was a knock off of a product I will not name here because I don’t particularly want to give them business. It was plastic and red and looked like a weird hat for a mouse.
I sent away and was so excited when it finally arrived in the mail. Finally, my days of non-pouty lips were over!
So, fresh out of the shower that evening I decided I would try my new look.
You were supposed to press it against your lips and suck in. You sit like this for several seconds feeling your pride slowly dwindle as you realize you’ve pretty much paid to buy a plastic cup to suck your lips into.
And you know what? It worked! My lips were insanely gorgeous, plump and a dark pink that no lipstick had ever been able to achieve. I was in love and took lots of photos because I could barely believe it!
The instructions had promised this amazing look to last anywhere from 1 hour to 3. I imagined how date night would go – me with my plush red lips ready for a night out on the town.
However… that dream soon faded as I glanced into the mirror.
Yep. My sad normal lips sat looking back at me reproachfully as if saying, “Wait, what happened? We were gorgeous a few minutes ago!”
So I had a thought….
And because I am me, I decided that the instructions were stupid. And when they said not to keep sucking for too long, that they didn’t know what they were talking about.
So the next morning after setting up the newest season of House of Cards, I stuck the stupid device back on my lips and sucked….
……and got kind of distracted because this new season is insane and then I sort of forgot about the thing slowly numbing my lips… a few minutes later (please note you are supposed to do it for 30 second intervals) I pulled the suction device off.
My lips were very pouty. Not Kylie Jenner Challenge scary. But definitely not natural looking. And to my absolute shock and horror, my lips were bruised! Dark blue and purple splotches were at the corner of my lips and made it look like I had botched lip fillers stuffed in my lips!
Of course the stupid plumpness of my lips went down almost immediately leaving me with normal lips and horrible bruises still dotting my mouth. Plus on top of that, it HURT! My lips truly hurt! It was an awful feeling.
Being the proud person that I am, I didn’t want to show my husband so I covered my lips in thick red lipstick and hid for the rest of the day.
However when I awoke the next morning I was affronted with the consequences of my earlier actions.
My lips were wrinkly and deflated and overnight the bruising had spread all around my lips in a light blue tinge that truly made me look like I was undead. Plus my stupid lips still really hurt.
Yup. And it stayed like that for the next 20 hours. And no matter of lipstick could cover that up.
And just in case you thought that I was fibbing, here is a shot of my lips pre and post plump. I look like a freakin’ monster hybrid of The Joker and a Batfish.
And the worst of all….
This was the moment I realized I had gone too far.