Why vanity is often a useless pursuit

If my blog tells you anything aside from me being overly dramatic and a neurotic mess, I am also ridiculously vain. I wasn’t always vain. In fact growing up until I was about 16 I rarely wore makeup and dressed like a miniature mobster (a low ponytail with a navy blue Adidas track suit). I didn’t care what I looked like.
Then at about the age of nineteen I received the worst present of all time. But I didn’t know it was the worst present at the time. In fact, I was thrilled when my Mom handed me the package. Inside was one of those circle light up mirrors where one side is a normal mirror and the other side is a magnified mirror. It looked like this:

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And it was my gradual undoing. For you see, this is how the mirror of doom worked.

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So of course with that close-up a view of my face I saw everything horrible about it. Huge pores, hair, zits that I hadn’t even known existed… all of it was horrendous. And then all of a sudden my face became this barren waste-land of horror. Everything looked awful from my too-small eyes all the way to my underwhelming lips.
Because there was nothing I could do to change the size of my eyes aside from make-up, my focus became on my lips. Why weren’t they full and pouty?

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Luckily (or really, unluckily) in this day and age – everyone is insecure about EVERYTHING and it didn’t take me long to discover something to plump up my lips without surgery!
It was a knock off of a product I will not name here because I don’t particularly want to give them business. It was plastic and red and looked like a weird hat for a mouse.

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I sent away and was so excited when it finally arrived in the mail. Finally, my days of non-pouty lips were over!

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So, fresh out of the shower that evening I decided I would try my new look.

You were supposed to press it against your lips and suck in. You sit like this for several seconds feeling your pride slowly dwindle as you realize you’ve pretty much paid to buy a plastic cup to suck your lips into.

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And you know what? It worked! My lips were insanely gorgeous, plump and a dark pink that no lipstick had ever been able to achieve. I was in love and took lots of photos because I could barely believe it!

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The instructions had promised this amazing look to last anywhere from 1 hour to 3. I imagined how date night would go – me with my plush red lips ready for a night out on the town.
However… that dream soon faded as I glanced into the mirror.

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Yep. My sad normal lips sat looking back at me reproachfully as if saying, “Wait, what happened? We were gorgeous a few minutes ago!”
So I had a thought….

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And because I am me, I decided that the instructions were stupid. And when they said not to keep sucking for too long, that they didn’t know what they were talking about.

So the next morning after setting up the newest season of House of Cards, I stuck the stupid device back on my lips and sucked….

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……and got kind of distracted because this new season is insane and then I sort of forgot about the thing slowly numbing my lips… a few minutes later (please note you are supposed to do it for 30 second intervals) I pulled the suction device off.

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My lips were very pouty. Not Kylie Jenner Challenge scary. But definitely not natural looking. And to my absolute shock and horror, my lips were bruised! Dark blue and purple splotches were at the corner of my lips and made it look like I had botched lip fillers stuffed in my lips!

Of course the stupid plumpness of my lips went down almost immediately leaving me with normal lips and horrible bruises still dotting my mouth. Plus on top of that, it HURT! My lips truly hurt! It was an awful feeling.
Being the proud person that I am, I didn’t want to show my husband so I covered my lips in thick red lipstick and hid for the rest of the day.
However when I awoke the next morning I was affronted with the consequences of my earlier actions.

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My lips were wrinkly and deflated and overnight the bruising had spread all around my lips in a light blue tinge that truly made me look like I was undead. Plus my stupid lips still really hurt.

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Yup. And it stayed like that for the next 20 hours. And no matter of lipstick could cover that up.

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And just in case you thought that I was fibbing, here is a shot of my lips pre and post plump. I look like a freakin’ monster hybrid of The Joker and a Batfish.

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And the worst of all….

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This was the moment I realized I had gone too far.

 

 

 

Why I have been M.I.A.

Hey everyone! So I know I’ve been M.I.A. for several months and while I wish I could tell you that its because I am preparing something that will have you rolling in the aisles…its not. The truth is this:

 

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I know. How boring? Its not even an exciting reason.

Its because for the last few months people will say: “Oh my gosh update your blog!” or “You should do this story!” and I am totally gung-ho about it and it invariably goes like this:

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It’s not that funny things aren’t happening. Horrible events occur to be almost every day. I am a walking disaster. But for some reason I am having a heck of a time trying to put it down on paper. Or in my case, Microsoft Paint.

And so then I feel the following:

 

4So I am taking a small break. No, it won’t be forever. I sometimes do short comics on my facebook page from time to time – I find them less stressful. So if you wanted to keep updated on what’s going on and see some of my comics please like MY PAGE

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See you (hopefully) soon!

 

 

Why I had the November Blues

Guys I know its been FOREVER since I last posted, but it’s been madness the last little bit! But you have been the most amazing readers and so included in this post is not one, but TWO entries mashed together! ENJOY! And yes, I know its pathetic that I’m posting about November in December.

November is a weird month. It follows my favorite month, October. October is hard to beat. And it precedes December which has Christmas which I also love. So really, November just always falls short. On the other hand, at the very end of November is my birthday. And if you’ve read this blog before, you know how I DIG my birthday. But mostly November consists of the following:
Being cold ALL THE TIME.

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Weather that is so crappy with rain and grey that it makes me want to do nothing but curl up in a blanket and sleep.

 

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Or look out the window at the miserable weather and cry.

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Its also the time when I leave for work in the dark and come home in the dark. If I work inside that day, my day has no sunlight. And that’s a bummer.

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So this November 30th was my 30th birthday. A champagne birthday if you will. I was very excited for it.

That’s a lie.

I was excited because we were going away on vacation for my 30th somewhere sunny. The actual turning 30 thing?

Yeah, not really into it. It kind of hung over my head.

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I feel my age started slowly creeping up on me in my late 20’s. At 29 the following incident occured.

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And since I am one of the youngest in my friend group, trying to explain my general sadness about my approaching 30’s was always somehow a bomb waiting to go off.

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Then it was my face. My once youthful face that now looked like a leather bag left out in the sun.

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Suddenly shopping became a chore.

Shopping in my 20’s.

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Shopping at 30

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People started asking about my non-existant children, the fact that I still made a cartoon blog seemed immature and it doesn’t help that I have a 15-year-old sister that is on the cutting edge of pop culture.

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Things I used to enjoy now just seem to irritate me.

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But then my husband threw me a surprise party and I had my friends shower me with love and presents, and I had awesome readers like you say how much you enjoyed my blog and I realized that for the first time in forever I really love my job and my cat is starting to be more loving and I got to go somewhere beautiful and sunny for two whole weeks.

And that maybe 30 won’t be so bad after all.

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So here’s to our childhoods! Our teenage years! Our 20’s and 30’s or 40’s or 50’s or 60’s or 70’s or 80’s or 90’s or 100’s! Let’s celebrate each decade we get because there is so much in life to be excited for!

And an early Merry Christmas Merry Kwanzaa and a late Happy Hanukkah to all my readers! And to everyone else, I wish the most happy of holidays!

 

❤ Katelyn

 

 

 

 

 

Why we should try to see the good

Once a week I take my client to the university my husband works at. On that day my husband and I take the bus together. One particular morning this week however, things got…well…gross.

It started with an adorable British mother and son clammoring onto the bus. They looked sweaty and frazzled. The boy looked concerned and adorable in his owl hat.

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The mother was gently cooing at her son, holding him and reading him a story as the bus moved along. I thought it was so wonderful to see.

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They were sitting amongst a group of young girls, going over notes, listening to music. Then suddenly, the boy began to squirm.And the words that no one likes to hear coming from a child (especially when you are squished on an over-full bus)

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Then I saw it. The panic in everyone’s eyes as they realized they had a very sick boy sitting with them.

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The Mother was trying to calm him down, but it was clear this kid was not okay. He started grabbing his stomach and crying. And then the mother did something that I think sealed their doom.

She cupped her hand beneath the young boy’s mouth like a bowl.

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I remember thinking in my mind at that exact moment: “No, bad idea. You’ve just given him a makeshift bowl. He is not going to hold back.”

And he didn’t.

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And like something out of a movie, it didn’t stop. He just kept barfing and barfing. My husband and I just kept watching in utter shock at what was happening.

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And while everyone else on the bus just sat in mute shock, it was the young girls (the type that social media like to pretend only cares about selfies, boys and clothes) jumped into action.

With no ounce of disgust or anger, theses young ladies started handing the mother napkins from their bags, trying to clean the mess off the boy’s shirt and floor.

They were so calm and collected. They didn’t make a bad situation worse. They didn’t scream theatrically or yell. They just wanted to help out a fellow human being.

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The mother thanked them profusely, thanking them for being so kind. They just laughed off the situation and did what they could to help.

The saddest part of the trip was when the boy and his mother got off at the next stop and the boy, covered in puke, looks up at his mom with the saddest, biggest eyes and spoke in the most adorable British accent.

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Girls, wherever you are, that was really nice to see.

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The point of this story is that we tend to focus on the wrongs in life. What people suck at. When people disappoint us. So instead I like to share stories like this- stories where people are unexpected. Where kindness flows so easily.

Try to see the good in people.

 

 

Why budgeting is important… but definitely not fun.

Money and budgeting and I have never been on great terms.

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Budgeting and my husband however? The best of friends.

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My relationship with money had always been a precarious one. Either I was reckless and ridiculous or hyper sensitive to the thought of owing money I didn’t have. Money was to be spent and sort of saved if there was nothing good at the mall or online.

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Money and Budgeting and I finally formally met when I got married to my saint of a husband. When my first student loan payment was demanded from me. And suddenly all the days of carefree spending were finished.

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We had bought a home. We had a mortgage. I had student loan payments and now with our combined homes we had two cars, two insurance payments to pay each month. And suddenly after mapping out my monthly budget, my extra frivolities went out the window. And this hurt.

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We had grown up money responsibilities. And my attitude to money was fairly juvenile.

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I had a really negative relationship with it. I was miserable. I hated that I had to budget. I bemoaned the fact that I wasn’t rich. I would cry out, “BUT I WOULD BE THE BEST RICH PERSON! I WOULD GIVE A BUNCH OF MY MONEY AWAY!” as if that were justification for all my wreck less spending desires.
The other realization was that I was going to have to start saving for my future. At 24 you think you’ll live forever. Putting away money that you won’t be touching until you are old? BIZARRE. But also terrifying to think of what would happen if I didn’t!

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But as the years passed and I started learning to budget and then seeing the rewards like yearly tropical vacations and being able to help people out financially and more I was amazed at this feeling I had. This feeling of…accomplishment and pride. Suddenly I didn’t want to burn through our money.

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Needless to say my budget-loving husband was joyful.

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So while I may miss my days of wreckless spending when I was young and naive – I am glad to know that when I am old and grey I won’t be dependent on a piggy bank with 4 quarters in it.
And that’s a good feeling.

Why plans I make rarely work out.

October 16 2010 is the year that I married my amazing husband. We have been together 5 awesome years and I seriously fall in love with him more and more each year. This year we decided that we wanted to do something special for our five years.
We found something called ‘Theatre in the Country’ – dinner and a play! It seemed SO fun and we were stoked!

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Until they called us the night before our anniversary to tell us the following.

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I guess theatre in the country is not as popular as one would have hoped.

So my husband being the romantic man that he is decided that we would go to the restaurant that we got engaged at! How romantic and perfect! Plus the restaurant was at the top of a mountain and you get to take a tram ride up and there is a bear enclosure and more! It’s a very cool place and we remembered the food being AMAZING (if not insanely overpriced).

Earlier in the week I had gone to the store to find the perfect card for my husband. Every single year prior I would get a super romantic, sappy card for him and he would get me a funny card. It was great. This year I decided to get a HILARIOUS card to best him!

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We arrived at the restaurant in seats that were not stellar. Oh well, the sun was already down we didn’t mind. Then they brought out our portions of food.

Yikes.

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Then it was time to exchange our gifts and cards. I handed my husband his card and eagerly awaited.

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I felt vindicated. Then it was my turn.

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Yep. He got me the most beautiful and heartfelt card I’ve read in forever. And I got him one that made a joke about nerds. Oh gosh.

We decided to go for a drive after our dinner where we both discussed a very important topic that was weighing on our minds.

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My husband decided to surprise me by taking me to the ghost train in Stanley Park. For those of you unfamiliar- Its a minature train that takes groups around the park where there are spooky actors being creepy. Because I was so excited I insisted on lots of selfies (cringe).

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It started out really well! The costumes and props were really fun. It was all building to what I believed would be a wonderful crescendo of horror (even though my husband was half asleep from boredom).

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Except it didn’t.

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The train merely picked up speed and then drove through a forest of eyes painted on large blocks of wood.

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On our drive home I couldn’t help but observe the many pitfalls that had occured during our special five year anniversary day.

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So no, nothing turned out like it was supposed to. But you know what?

That’s okay.

Why October season as an adult is awesome

Ahhhh October, my favorite time of the year. Christmas you can keep your snow. Summer you can have your blazing heat. Give me clear cool crisp sunny October days anytime. October means Halloween and costumes and fun and joy. And the fun doesn’t have to stop when you’re a kid – oh no, October is still awesome as an adult. Want proof? Read below.

Why October is still great when you’re an adult

1. October as an adult means delicious seasonal meals that you get to choose – because you’re an adult! Gone are the days of the meatloaf you despised- now you can pick your own happy October-themed menu! (Mine consists of one food group; carbs.)

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On the subject of food – you also get to see and buy AMAZING SEASONAL FOOD ITEMS! Like, “Boo Berry” cereal. Did anyone else know that was a thing in Canada? I didn’t! I’m still on the hunt for this eluside Frank-N-Berry!

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2. October as an adult means buying Halloween Candy for Trick or Treaters but being real about its ultimate fate.

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3. October means getting to watch all the awesome Halloween Shows WHENEVER YOU WANT because digital downloading exists – Wanna watch Hocus Pocus at 3:00AM on a Thursday? NO WORRIES. You can rent it on Youtube for $3.99! Plus you can watch all the AMAZING Halloween shows that you weren’t allowed to watch as kids, or wouldn’t be if you were a kid now (New season of American Horror Story, I’m looking at you…and LOVING YOU).

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4. October has the kind of days where you can bundle up in awesomely *fashionable layered outfits that you NEVER got to pick out as a kid because you’re mom probably dressed you. (Or was that just me?)

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(*depending on your definition of fashionable)

5. October as an adult means sitting super close to a fire (because no one says you can’t) and getting hypnotized by its crackling, flickering beauty. Does anyone else wonder if they suffer from suppressed pyromania?

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6. October as an adult is Decorating your Home in preparation for Trick R Treaters or just decking it out because YOU CAN. I lived in a condo last year. It was boring and we weren’t allowed to put anything on our doors. This year? New home with a FRONT DOOR and a WALKWAY that leads to my ADORABLE FRONT STOOP! I’ve already started decorating the s&^t out of it.

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7. October as an adult means you get to actually SEE all the cool costumes people are coming out with! It also means getting to die of cuteness overload when adorable kids come to your house to trick or treat. (Seriously, I saw a child dressed up as a miniature Harry Potter last year. He was no more than 1 years old. He couldn’t even speak, let alone read JK Rowling’s masterpieces. Didn’t matter. He was so cute I nearly passed out. ) Shout out to parents who dress their infant children in ADORABLE costumes just so I can awkwardly “awwwww” at them!

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8. Speaking of which October as an adult means that you GET the work that goes into trick or treating as a child. The long walks, the heavy bags of candy, the unseasonable weather (it always seems to rain on Halloween here). Then you trudge up to a house and knock excitedly, crowing out a joyful “Trick or Treat!” only to be handed a sad little box of raisins? NOT ON MY WATCH. Those kids are getting buckets of candy from me! Their work will NOT be in vain!

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10. October as an adult means buying and breaking out AWESOME hats! Because they make them for all ages! (This is what I’m telling myself) Plus there are very cute and mature head scarves if wearing a giant owl face on top of your head isn’t for you.

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11. October as an adult means going out on Halloween to the haunted houses around town- either to be scared or just admire all the cool decorations. Or just enjoying a walk in the crisp, October air hearing all the excited kids run around and just enjoying the tradition. And also pretending you’re a vampire. Again, that may just be me.

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12. October as an adult means getting to wear FUN, creative costumes that YOU enjoy. Not dressing up in what you think you’re supposed to wear.

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(Note: if you like dressing up as a sexy cat and are doing it for you, more power to you). But if they put the word “sexy” in front of one more inanimate object, I am going to hurl. Halloween Items I have seen the following “sexy” costumes – “Sexy Traffic cone, Sexy Ebola Nurse, Sexy Hulk Hogan, Sexy Pizza, Sexy Corn-On-the-Cob, Sexy Bin Laden.” Yes, ALL those costumes exist. Feel free to google and then weep for humanity.

It also means that you get to dress up your pets because you either a.) have no children or b.) think it’s funny or c.) both. I know, you think I’m insane. You have a point. But if you could see Gizmo trying to handle the fact that he’s in a bee costume, you’d understand.

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13. Lastly, October as an adult means starting your own traditions – so do an annual scary movie night! A yearly Corn Maze trip! It has been a tradition in my home since we got married, that every year my husband and I to go to a pumpkin patch together, pick out the perfect pumpkin, bring it home and each of us carves one half.

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This is what it usually looks like.

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October is just beautiful (our combined pumpkin carving however, not so much) so don’t fret about being an adult in October- the possibilities for fun are endless!

HAPPY OCTOBER EVERYONE! HAVE A SPOOOOKY HALLOWEEN!